Without Further Ado
by blommabelle
Summary: After a fight with England, America decides to write down all the things about him that makes him the worst boyfriend ever. England/fem!America. England's response now added!
1. Worst Boyfriend Ever

_WHY ARTHUR KIRKLAND IS THE WORST. BOYFRIEND. EVER._

_By: Amelia F. Jones_

_After yet __another_ _fight with my stupid-face boyfriend, who, like Voldemort, will NOT be named (unless I forget in a blind rage halfway through writing this), I, Amelia F. Jones, am writing this so future Amelia, who may not be mad at that pompous asshat anymore, can read this and remember why he is THE WORST._

_Without further ado:_

_-It's 'color', not 'colour'. Also, it's 'theater', not 'theatre' and 'realize', not 'realise'. For someone who brags a lot of supposed "great literature", he sucks at spelling. _

_-His sense of fashion SUCKS BALLS. Tweed is not in fashion. In fact, tweed was NEVER in fashion! Stop wearing it!_

_-Those eyebrows are RIDICULOUS! It looks like he shaved the fur off of a massive black bear and then glued it all over his eyes! I bet if you plucked all his eyebrow hairs off, you could make a fur coat (sidenote-an eyebrow fur coat would still look better than tweed)._

_-Also, he has the worst teeth! And hair. And face. And personality. And sense of humor (NOT humour)._

_-His siblings are almost weirder than he is! But not Australia. He's dope. But my sister __Madison... Michelle. Megan? No, wait, __Madeleine! Maddie would never pop out of nowhere at a date and force us to eat haggis! God! In fact, she'd just give us some pancakes with maple syrup because she is AWESOME. _

_-I AM NOT IMMATURE OR ILLITERATE! Stop looking so surprised when I watch 'Freakonomics' or recognize (NOT recognise) a Charles Dickens quote!_

_-Tea sucks. Coke and coffee are where it's at. Get over it, old man._

_-I am NOT an 'uncultured wanker'. I have more culture in New York City than he does on his whole damn island!_

_-Also, my slang ROCKS. His is stupid. Although it was hilarious when he got beat up after offering to light some guy's "fag". Hahaha!_

_-When I say I want him to be more open and romantic, I didn't mean to pull a Lloyd Dobbler and stand outside my window blaring Air Supply. Though when that kid pegged him with an egg, that was also hilarious._

_-Vinegar is disgusting. It's a very bad sign when the food starts tasting better after drowning it in stuff that's better suited to be window cleaner._

_-The Grand Canyon beats Big Ben, loser._

_-He tried to get me to sit in Busby's chair! I doubt it would have worked, but still. Jerk!_

_-Magic, fairies, unicorns, pixies… THEY ARE NOT REAL._

_-While we're on the subject, ghosts are SO real! Although it's nice when he calms me down whenever the ghost in my closet starts acting up, I guess. He's still a jerkface loser-head._

_-He won't turn the light on during sex. He won't let me see him naked. Seriously, dude. I've seen him naked before! He needs to take that stick out of his ass and stop freaking out everytime I suggest we go skinny dipping! And everyone says I'M stingy about nudity._

_-My football is far superior to his football. Obviously._

_-The Revolutionary War was SO long ago! I won fair and square! Get over it!_

_-He is stupid._

_-He is awful._

_-He is rude._

_-I hate him with every fiber of my being._

_If this isn't enough proof as to why Arthur "Lameass" Kirkland is the worst boyfriend ever, then I don't know what is. I hope he chokes on one of his disgusto scones and doesn't have any tea to wash it down with and dies._

_Sincerely,_

_Amelia F. Jones_

_The United States of America_

**Some Little Sidenotes:**

-Haggis is this really nasty stuff traditionally associated with Scotland. It's like a big sack of organs inside of an organ. No joke. I visited my cousin in England a while back and her boyfriend made me try some. I very nearly threw up. He said it was a lot of big talk from someone who eats pickled herring like a madwoman, but I'm sorry. I don't like intestine.

-While in England, I was thrown off when someone offered to light someone's fag. In America, this is essentially offering to light a homosexual on fire. My cousin told me that in England, a fag is a cigarette, apparently.

-Lloyd Dobbler is the romantic hero in this 1980s movie starring John Cusack called 'Say Anything', for anyone who hasn't seen it and may not get the reference. In the movie, he stands outside Diane Court's window and holds up a boombox playing 'In Your Eyes' by Peter Gabriel to win her over. It's pretty famous, so I figured that Amelia has probably forced Arthur to watch it on several occasions.

-British people like their vinegar, like how Americans like their ketchup. I actually really like vinegar, so I don't get why everyone's all, "Ew, vinegar is so gross!" Since that's the mentality of a lot of Americans, I figured it would be Amelia's mentality, too. My mom used vinegar to clean our windows a lot. What a shame. Vinegar is delicious.


	2. Worst Girlfriend Ever

_WHY AMELIA F. JONES IS AN INSUFFERABLE TWIT._

_By: Arthur Kirkland_

_After being kind enough to apologise to my girlfriend of many years, I happened to notice a note she had written to herself on why I am, in fact, a terrible boyfriend. So shocked was I that I decided perhaps I should write a list myself since it is only fair. This is, of course, written for myself just in case Amelia once more elicits an apology from me with her charm and sex appeal so that I can remember why she is AN ABSOLUTE MONSTROSITY._

_Without further ado:_

_-Since I am the one who has been speaking English far longer than she, I believe I have jurisdiction over what qualifies as a "correctly spelled word", and I can assure you that it is, in fact, spelled 'colour'. Furthermore, the following words 'theatre' and 'realise' are also spelled correctly. It's not my bloody fault if her people absolutely destroyed my language. _

_-We all get it, she's good at the Olympics. But I could do without the "SUCK IT, ENGLAND!" every time she beats me. It's okay if she says that to France, though. No one minds._

_-I cannot remember how many times we've had the argument about who produces better music. I do, of course. I can boast the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Queen and Pink Floyd. I don't care if she throws Tupac, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston and Journey back in my face. I win. End of story._

_-She wants to talk about embarrassing slang? How about when she said the word 'fanny' to one of my citizens while we were visiting London?! I'm not sure she realizes how mortifying that was!_

_-STOP. EATING. For just two seconds, could she NOT shove a burger/hotdog/ice cream cone/taco/pizza in her gigantic mouth? On top of that, a 'milkshake' is not a healthy substitute for soda! I don't know who gave her that idea, but it's wrong!_

_-Her winning the Revolutionary War was a fluke! She had many unfair advantages! Damn Yorktown._

_-She cheered when I DIED. Granted, it was just to wake me up, but still. _

_-I find it hard to believe she isn't illiterate. I've read what passes for literature in her country. One word: 'Twilight'._

_-For someone who whines an awful lot about how much vinegar I put on my food, she doesn't seem to realise that she uses an absurd amount of cheese on her food. I tried to eat a cheeseburger (three pounds of which was cheese) when we first started dating and I'm fairly certain I am still not finished digesting it!_

_-Considering that my football (as well as the rest of the world's football) actually involves the use of feet, I'd say my sport (and the sport everyone else enjoys) is superior. _

_-When I say we should do more intellectual things together, I did not mean watch 'A Beautiful Mind' every day for a month. _

_-On the topic of movies, not every situation is appropriate for a Disney reference. When I tell her something that upset me that day, I really don't want to hear, "Well, at least Cruella De Vil doesn't want to turn you into a coat." That really doesn't make me feel any better._

_-At least people can remember my siblings' names. Even she can't recall that she has a sister half the time, and when she does, she can't stop cracking jokes about maple syrup and Celine Dion._

_-Fine, fine, she has the Grand Canyon. I have Stonehenge. _

_-She has five trucks. FIVE. Why does she need so many trucks? And she goes on and on about the "four wheel drive" and "customization" and "shocks" and "horsepower". I have no idea what she's talking about. I'm not even going to try to imagine how much gas she uses for those monstrosities. _

_-No one is making her watch ghost movies. The only person she has to blame for that is herself. I don't appreciate constantly being called to come over and "exorcise" the ghost living in her closet at all hours of the day and night. _

_-Tea is a refined drink for refined people. Coke is for people who want to be obese by the time they are twelve. Coffee is for Frenchies._

_-She is annoying._

_-She is pig-headed._

_-She is vile._

_-I rue the day I ever met her._

_If this is not sufficient evidence that my so-called girlfriend, Amelia Floozy Jones, is not the single biggest village idiot and worst lover in the history of the planet, I'm not sure what I can do to further prove my point. I hope she gets so fat she can't get off of her couch and her fingers are too large to change the channel of her television and she's forced to watch that moronic "Ghost Hunters" show for the rest of her obese, overweight life._

_Sincerely,_

_Arthur Kirkland_

_The United Kingdom of Great Britain_

**Sidenotes**:

-The word 'fanny' in England is just something you do not say. This is something I learned once more from my cousin and after finding out what it means in England, I can assure you I will not be saying it anytime soon while visiting. Ever.

-'Damn Yorktown'-for those who might not be as privy about the Revolutionary War, Yorktown is where Cornwallis, a British general, surrendered to American and French troops.

-Americans do use A LOT of cheese on their food. A LOT. I once told my relatives still living in Sweden about it and they were floored. I don't mind a lot of cheese, to be honest. But there is a moment where a lot of cheese becomes way too much cheese. I'm not even sure how anyone can properly digest food after eating so much cheese.

-Americans LOVE picking on Canada. It's not that they don't like Canada, it's just that they think Canadians are hilarious. You can't imagine all the Canada jokes you'd hear if you bring up the subject of Canada to an American. Oh, and Celine Dion will likely be the punch line to one of those jokes. It's sort of funny because Canada and America are actually really friendly. Americans typically don't even really seem to consider Canadians as immigrants or even foreigners. To an American, being Canadian is like being an "honorary" American, just less cool.

-There are a lot of big, huge SUVs and trucks in America. A lot. Even people without the actual need for a pickup or an SUV have them. It's rather strange, actually. They aren't even stylish or anything. People just have them for some reason.


End file.
